It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
two people or more is called a problem
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.