I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.