I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
You Might Also Like
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.