I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Have a lovely day 😊
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some Old Testament wisdom
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[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?