WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes