GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Every time my phone rings
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!