@robdelaney
@bornmiserable “It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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@bornmiserable 
@QwertyJones3 The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
@dougbies All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
@Rollmaninoz my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
@EyalTweet Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
@darinlovesbacon Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
@Robert_Beau Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
@JeremyBRoberts Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
@Fred_Delicious *is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*