@robdelaney

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

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@bornmiserable

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

@QwertyJones3

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

@dougbies

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

@Rollmaninoz

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

@EyalTweet

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@JeremyBRoberts

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

@Fred_Delicious

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*