.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
War & Peace
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband: