Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.