I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Personal question. #JustSaying
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside