[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*