Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
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CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT