Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
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Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?