Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”