Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
worst…sale…ever
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
lmfao
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.