How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
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Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
the chicken was already gone when I got here
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.