HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
huge if true: the moon
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god