him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
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If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!