[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
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I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.