He is just living hist best little life 馃槉
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn鈥檛 deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 stabbing you.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways