I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Important
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William