People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
That de-escalated quickly
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.