explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
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[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.