That de-escalated quickly
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*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I have a new favorite meme page
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click