Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
You Might Also Like
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
#damn
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Born to be mild.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off