I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
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Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
next question.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
socratic questions
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this