Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
You Might Also Like
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*