YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.