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If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
A short story about romance.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!