The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.