I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
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Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.