That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
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4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I got bills
They’re multiplying
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.