Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.