Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.