my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant