me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
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*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Thank you corporation very cool
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.