When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)