Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
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[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.