When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
repaired
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.