When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”