I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
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Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.