whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
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[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket