If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time