If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
pep talk
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
My patience has stretch marks.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit