If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Sing it!
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.