If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Cheers Twitter.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.