When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
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Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?