MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
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the answer was staring at me all along
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I hate everything
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.