Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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This week’s mood.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.