Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
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I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Nothing to do, you say?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
can you read it!!??
maan!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.