Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
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Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
sir, my pâté if you please
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*