Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
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If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.