*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.