20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move