Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
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a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
dude it’s called proctologist
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute