Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
You Might Also Like
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Mountain Goat : )
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda