Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
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Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.