Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
You Might Also Like
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.