coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
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summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Good morning
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
The symmetry is uncanny.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
This one’s “Alex”.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.