HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
subtitles are so good nowadays
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”